Venus Fly Trap
by music-is-luv
Summary: SasuNaru. All flowers are well-trained in the ways of trickery and deception. Sakura will get those two together. Oh, you bet your sweet gentle ass she will. T for cursing, lip lockery, and Sakura's weird personality. Written for FreeXFlyer, WIP.


Venus Fly Trap. Sakura flowers are the most beautiful of flowers in Konoha. But who said Beauty couldn't be a beast? With determination, and a few poorly plotted plans, Sakura WILL get those two togther. You bet your sweet gentle ass she will. SasuNaru.

Dude, Sakura is weird and well, weird. But she's...damn, well she's just weird, okay? And has major 'tude. I don't think you'll be expecting it at all. Think of it as her Inner Sakura.

Also, there's a party in your bedroom all night long. There's a lot of talk about youu~~~!!

Warning: contains soap, birthday cake, the phrase "when in Rome", black fuzzy handcuffs way too flimsy to hand a man from the drain, a pipe in the ceiling, and a fold-up lawn chair. Sorry this took so long **FreexFlyer**, but you freaked me out with that "only the best of authors" thing.

* * *

Well, yeah. I mean, there are a lot of reasons I could do it. I could do it because I finally realized it wasn't about ME (although, the fact that I wasn't the one who was doomed to be awesome from birth should have been the first clue). I could be doing this because I love them both and want them to be happy together, like I know they will be. I also could be doing this because I know, I _know_, that together they will make this village and quite possibly the whole planet (okay, that's a stretch) a better place to be.

But, you know, I'm probably just in it for the yaoi.

Figured it out yet? Yup, Sasuke and Naruto. The smexiest couple known to (wo)man. And they didn't even know it. Yeah, they pretended to hate each other's guts and that they were rivals and wanted nothing more that the other's painful demise. Naruto pretended that he didn't know Sasuke was the shit and Sasuke pretended that he didn't pitch a tent whenever Naruto took off his shirt during training.

Who'da thunk the last Uchiha'd be a lecher?

I tell you what, I thunk it. Wink, wink. Hahaha!! Ohhh boy, these two losers had it _bad_. It was love. The real motherfucking deal. And the poor bastards didn't even know it!! Oh, but they will. And I fucking mean it!! To_DAY._ Because I refuse to live in a would where I don't have pictures of them sweaty and making out.

Damn, nosebleed. Shit, hold on for a second.

…**.**

Okay. I hate having to stuff toilet paper up my nose all the time. Damn!! Why did I have to be the one stuck with the two sexy kids?!?! Better yet, why the fuck am I complaining about it!! Anyways, I have a plan.

Okay, not a plan per-say. More like a sketch. So yeah, I have a sketch. And Plan A is about to be put into action. For you see, Naruto is doing his spring cleaning, which meant (since his air conditioner failed at life) hes naked waist up and wearing his "cleaning shorts", previously blue jeans, that were, like, crotch huggers, I fucking swear.

Oh dear God, another nosebleed.

…**.**

Anyway, the plan is to lure Sasuke over with promises of tomatoes and not calling him Sasuke-kun ever. Which is a lie. But hey it's working. So now I'm sitting next to Naruto's window in fold-up lawn chair. Thank God he's on the first floor. And I also thank you O Lord, for the fact that his apartment is small and I have a full and complete view of everything but the bathroom and (Goddammit!!) the bedroom. Amen. I even had a view from OUTside the door, because of the angle. Whoo-hoo!! I am a fucking BEAST!! Ooh!! Sasuke's knocking on the door. Shut up, you fool!! Oh, that's me again....

**Knock Knock Knock.**

God, I swear that dude is obsessive compulsive. Who knocks like that? Come on, put a beat in or something, shit.

"Huh? Oh. Hold on for a sec!!" Naruto steps off the chair he was using so he could clean the top of his bookshelf (I dunno, he reads sometimes I guess. Go figure) and goes to the door. Oh boy the moment of truth! Ah!! He opened it!!!

And slammed it right back shut. What...the...actual...fuck.... He's just standing there turning red. Fuckin' lame.

"Crap! I can't believe I let Bastard see me like this!! Shit! U-um...H-hold on real quick!!" He yelled out to Sasuke. Ah, crap. He's putting on a shirt. There goes that plan. Well, at least I'm not the only one suffering... Sasuke is standing in the exact same place, in the exact position, with the exact facial expression he was wearing when Naruto opened the door.

Which would usually mean he was just being normal, but **not today**!! Mua ha ha!! I could see that pink tinging his cheeks. You liked that didja, Sasuke-kun?? I bet you did... When Naruto opens the door again he's still decidedly pink and has a considerable amount of clothes on. Like he had to over compensate or something. You fucking douche bag, you ruined my plan.

"H-hey, Sasuke-bastard. Um, what's up?" Sasuke isn't answering. He's probably silently praying to God that Naru-chan doesn't look down. It's not polite to point, Sasuke-kun. Ku ku ku.... "Sasuke?" A blonde head is tilted in a typically adorable Naru-esque fashion.

"Hn." Come on, Sasuke. You can do it! Think of Gai in a thong and a fluffy boa!! Ew. Dude, I think MY boner went down. Ahh, there you go. Down boy. Good job, Mr. Happy.

"Um....?" Naruto looks a little put off. "Is there something you wanted....?" Damn, Naruto. Ouch. That hurt MY feelings.

"Sakura instucted me," I stuff my snort, "to come here." Naruto blinked. Sasuke stared. These guys suck.

"....For what?"

"Hn."

"What do you mean you don't know?! Why would you come if you didn't know? ...She offered tomatoes didn't she?"

"....Hn."

"Well, nothing to see here so....and I'm kinda in the middle of something..."

"Hn, dobe."

"I do so have a life!! Look, just go somewhere teme, I'm busy."

"Hn."

"Fine. Bye, bastard." Slam. Well, that was severely anticlimactic. Alright, on to plan B.

Crap, I don't have a plan B.

I'm going to slowly walk away now.

La da da dee daa.....

* * *

If you must know, Chouji's parent's cake shop, Phat Cakes, is a very popular store and is actually a tourist attraction here in Konoha. People actually COME here to get this cake. It'd actually be considered strange if a tourist didn't. You know, what they say. When in Rome....

Get a hot Italian man.

Anyways, that is where I am at the current moment. "Hey, Chouji!!" I smile my flirty smile and he smiles back. I always flirt with Chouji. One because he's going out with Pig, and two because he's acutally kind of cute. And I (for once) agree with The Piglet.

"_He's not fat!! He's pleasantly plump!!" _He_ is _quite delicious.

Anyways, I need some cake.

"Ohayo, Sakura. What brings you here?"

"You, sweetheart!! And, of course, one of your delicious cakes!" He chuckles.

"Sure, what do you want?"

"Something big with lots of white frosting." Smirkity smirk. God, I am a pervert. They will screw before the day is over and I will watch it all from the cameras I put inside both of their houses.

Fear me!! For a am Sakura!! Super Pervert!! Oh wait, that's Jairaiya. Fear me! For I am Sakura!! PERVERTWOMAN!!!

Hahaha!! I'm so full of epic win.

"Here you go, Sakura."

"Thanks, Chouji!! You're a doll! See ya round!!" Man, I hope Naruto put back on his fuck-me shorts.

**Knock Knockity Knock Knock Pause Knock Knock.**

"Hold o-- ehm, who is it?!" I hear Naruto yell.

"It's Sakura, bitch." Yeah, I'm so fucking gangsta. LMAO!! Ahhh, I amuse myself greatly.

"Oh," he opens the door, "hey Sakura-chan." So you don't care that you're standing in front of ME naked? Damn, rude!! Yeah, I know the crush faded but still. And, in all honestly, I'm more likely to rape you than Sasuke. He'll just think dirty thoughts. I'll probably put them into action. Ah, poor Naruto. So young, so naïve. Well, the fact that he has those shorts on again definitely helps my plan.

"Hey, Naruto. Are you going to invite me in or what?" He doesn't answer and just swings open the door. And then his eyes lock on the cake. Ku ku ku, not yet Naru. Soon, but not yet.

"Hey Sakura," He moaned (yum) and (ew) he's drooling. "Whacha got there?" Dude, it's just cake. Calm the fuck down.

"Some delicious birthday cake!!" Try not to explode in your pants. Sarcasm, sarcasm.

"But it's not my birthday."

"Touche."

".....Can I have a piece?"

"Of course!! Like I'd bring over cake and keep in to myself!! Pshawww!! BUT!! You have to wait!!"

"Aww!! Sakura-chan!! What for?" For Sasuke to get my message and get his smexy ass over here.

"Patience is a virtue, baka."

"Not when there's frosting involved."

"Hahaha!!" Man, I love this kid!! He's adorable, fer sure. "You're stupid, Naruto!!" I LOL some more.

"So when do I get to tap that?"

LOL. "In a minute!" Oh snap!! There goes Sasuke!! "Here, baka." I open the cake and grab some. "Eat up!" And throw in at his face.

"Ack!! Sakura!!" Which of course leads to a fully fledged war. I got 'em right where I want 'em. Oh Mummy would be so proud of my excellent skills in male manipulation. So cake is now all over him and the floor. Time to make my escape.

"Well, I gotta go. Love you, mean it, BYE!!" And I leap out the window and run to my hide-y spot. He's just staring there kinda blinking at the window in wonderment. Anyway, Sasuke is at the door now.

**Knock Knock Knock.**

Jerk.

"Coming!!" You will be soon, ku ku ku... "S-Sasuke!!" He attempts to slam the door again. Hahaha, of course not Naruto. Fool me once, fool me twice... Naruto is turning completely red as Sasuke just stares at his smexy blonde nearly naked and covered in a mysterious white substance. He steps forward and holy SHYTE, this could be it!! Naruto steps back and proceeds to loose his balance and fall, spread eagle, onto the hard tile floor. Oho, I am a genius. Snicker. Thinking back, how the hell did he not notice me pouring _his own_ dish soap all over the floor? Sigh. Blondes. What can you do?

"Sasuke-b-bastard. What are you doing?" Sasuke kneels down in between Naruto's legs and says nothing. "S-sasuke? Are you oka--" He licked him!! He licked the corner of his mouth!! Holy crap. Naruto has gone completely still and Sasuke is still licking away. His cheek, his neck, his color-bone and lower... Naruto moans.

"U-uhn... Sasuke," he lets out in a breathy whisper. And, damn it, it snapped O Mighty Stoic One out of his lust induced stupor. Fuck! Naruto if you ruin one more of my plans I am going to pop a cap in your ass.

"I-I have to go." Whoa, Sasuke stuttered. He did!! He's red, too! And look!! Even Mr. Happy came out to party!! Dammit. I need to get them together!! It isn't even about the pr0n that I'm sure to get from those cameras. These morons ruined BOTH of my plans. This means war. And I do care for them and want them to be happy....

SO WHY WON'T THEY SCREW AND BE ALREADY!?!?! Fuckin' A! Now I have to formulate fucking Plan C. Hmm....

Shit. I got nothing.

….

Walking away now....

* * *

This is it. There is NO way in heaven or hell that this plan can fail. It's impossible. No fucking way.

And, hey, if it does, I'll just tie them together butt naked.

Come to think of it, why didn't I do that in the first place? Crap. Oh well, it's too late now.

Plan C is a go.

**Knock. Beat. Kno-Knock Knock. Beat. Knock. Pause. Knock. Beat. Kno-Knock Knock. Beat. ****Knock. Pause. Knock.**

Haha! I'm a G!!

"Sakura? You're here_ again_?"

Rude!! Glare. "Don't sound so excited, baka." I push he rude ass outta the way and step inside. Damn. His house is clean. But he hasn't changed out of the shorts. Perfect.

"Oh n-no, I mean," how cute! He's forming an embarrassed blush. I'll forgive him just for that moment of utter adorable-ness. "It's just—you've been acting so weird today and well--"

"Oh, stfu, you adorable puppy." We smile at each other. I really do love this kid. He giggles.

"Thanks, Sakura-chan!! So what can I do you for?" Well, you can stop destroying all my painfully planned out and beautifully orchestrated plans, fer sure.

"Nothing, just thought we could chill." Until I get Sasuke to rape you, that is. He doesn't look like he believes me. Humph, about damn time you caught on to something.

"Really." Oh, very flat tone. Don't get smart with me, Naruto.

"Of course, darling!! Does this look like the face of a girl that would lie to you?"

"Uh...yeah, it does, actually."

"Aw, that hurts Naru!!" I walked over to his sink and open the cabinets under it, talking as I did so. "I just came over here to help you fix your drain." He wrinkles his nose in an adorable expression of confusion.

"But, Sakura, I don't need to fix my drain, it's--" I grin and rip out a pipe, "fine..." I throw it into the air and lodge it into the ceiling.

"Is it really, Naruto? That doesn't look normal. But I'm afraid I don't know how to fix anything serious like this. You'd better call somebody." Hahaha!! I am so enjoying this. He just standing there opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

Open. Close. Open. Close. Open.... Close. Open.

"I.... I'll go call the the plumber." What?

"NOO!!!" He grabs the phone and turns around, looking at me like I'm nuts.

Which, in all actuality, isn't that far from the truth.

"I meant, uh, that is, you know, uh...Why waste your money? I mean, you don't have any money to spare." He mulls it over.

"I guess you're right." Sigh. "I'll call the bastard."

"Huh? Oh. I guess. You know, as long as YOU want to." Hahaha, Plan C is going smoothly. This one HAS to work.

"Hey Bastard. I need some help fixing m—Oh, like you have anything better to do. What? Got a date?.....Oh, please. Just come over here, teme. ...Fine, bye."

"Huhhhh......?" I prompt him. He grins and Good Guy poses.

"He'll be here in five."

"Excellent."

"Ne, Sakura-chan...."

"Hm?"

"You don't...you don't still like Sasuke-bastard?" He looks at his toes. Oh no. Could THIS have been what was holding him back? Hurting MY feelings? I AM NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS SHOW!! This must be corrected NOW.

"WHAT?!?! Are you serious, baka? Ew, no. Just no. I could have a more interesting conversation with a pineapple." Scoff.

"No...Sasuke probably talks more than Shika...."

"I didn't mean—ugh!! The point is, I'm over Sasuke. He's old news." The relief on his face and in the slouching of his body was so complete I'm pretty sure his MOM felt it.

"You look so relieved." Smirk.

"Well, I-uh, well, you know that's--"

"Hey, don't sweat it. Let's go over here and check out your sink." Step like...I dunno, three? Of Plan C commence!!

"I dunno anything about pipes, Sakura." I dig into my pockets. "A lot of water is flying everywhere." I pull out the tools. "That's bad, isn't it?" And go!!

"ACKK!!" Before he can think his wrist are circle with black bracelets. Arms above his head and laying on his back, he was the picture of sex.

"Sakura!! What the hell??? ….AH!!! THEY'RE FUZZY!!"

"If you're wondering why I just handcuffed you to your sink's pipes...well, it's because you ruined all my other plans and must be punished!!"

"What? What are you talking about? Sakura let me go!!"

Knock Knock Knock.

We both freeze. Oh no, he's gonna yell. I cover his mouth with my hands and try to make my voice sound as loud and obnoxious as possible.

"Uhh, COME IN!!" Time to scram. And I'm out the window. I'm like...I'm like Jamie Bond or something. And now, I watch.

"Naruto?!" I've never heard Sasuke use such an incredulous tone before. But catching to object of you love and lust handcuffed to a drain practically naked could shock anyone.

Well, just about. Kakashi didn't seem fazed by Iruka tied to the shower-head. Sigh, I am SUCH a good friend.

"Sasuke-bastard!! Help me!! Sakura is crazy! Untie me!!" But Sasuke just stepped closer until he stood and Naruto's feet and just...stared. "Bastard!! Stop lo-looking at me!" Naruto squirmed and turned red. "Please help me!!" Yes, help him Sasuke. Slowly Sasuke knelt to the ground and Naruto sighed. "Thanks, teme." Sasuke crawled over him all fours. "S-Sasuke?" Naruto must be rememeber what happened earlier because his body is red EVERYWHERE. And then Sasuke kissed him. And Naruto didn't even think about it. He just gave him. And then they were going at it. Sasuke mouth crushed Naruto's and the blondes head slammed into the floor. Gabbing at Naruto's hips, he slammed theirs together drawing deep moans from both parties.

See? This is what abstinence does to you. You hold it all in until you accidentally-on-purpose rape somebody.

"Sa-AAH!!-suke!! Let me off." Yes, Sasuke. Get him off. Oh, that's not what he meant. Sasuke apparently understood as he ripped the handcuffs apart. He stared.

"These shouldn't have been able to subdue you, Naruto." Is he reprimanding him? Hello, shut up and fuck, please. "They're way too flimsy to hang a man from the drain." Naruto didn't even respond to that.

"Attack me," he breathed. And attack Sasuke did. He latched onto his neck, sucking and licking and biting. "Aaah!!"

"Naruto," Sasuke low rumble vibrated against Naruto's shoulder as he feathered butterfly kissed down his neck and shoulder to his chest.

"Sasukeeeee!!!"

"Wow, Naruto moans like a bitch." Oh shit!! Fuck, I did NOT say that shit out loud.

"SAKURA?!?!" Dammit, fuck!! I'm out. Besides, I can watch everything that happens on tape later.

Grin. And I bet you thought flowers were harmless.

* * *

Sorry, I had to end it there but I truly suck at lemons. If someone wants to write one, I'll insert it in here but other that that**. REVIEWWWW!!!!!!!! **Also, I didn't really check for mistakes so....Yeah, _**REVIEW!!!!**_


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